Step 3. Navigating The Legal Process
Jim wanted to end his marriage, but he wanted to be fair to his wife. He didn’t hate her; she was the mother of his children; he wanted his kids to be okay when they were with her. Yet, he did not want to be taken advantage of either. Since he wanted to be reasonable, he was wondering if they could just work everything out on their own.
Amy and her husband argued all the time. She called an attorney because she was too afraid to talk to him about the terms of the divorce. She didn’t think it would be possible for them to reach an agreement on their own.
When Tammy found out her husband had cheated on her, she was so upset, she retained an aggressive attorney. She wanted to take her husband for everything she could.
These are all difficult situations.
How Does One Proceed Like a Christian?
By following Jesus’s example. He was assertive. He stood up for what was important to him, and he respected others while he did so. Sometimes Jesus worked with others; other times he had to take a stand. So just like Jesus had different responses depending on the situation, you also need to respond in the way that is most appropriate for your situation. Even in the case of divorce, God wants you to be respectful. To others and to yourself. Focus on choosing the legal option that will get you the best results, not how you can hurt your spouse.
LEGAL OPTIONS
Unbundled Legal Services – You retain an attorney for legal advice and/or document preparation. You and your spouse would work out all the details between yourselves.
Helps You to Divorce Like a Christian because:
You and your spouse work together to reach mutually satisfactory agreements.
Attorneys are retained on a limited basis but not to fight.
The advice of an attorney can help prevent you from overlooking details, which can cause problems down the road.
You learn of options that you had not thought of, which might be better for you and your family.
If you and your spouse are at peace, you can stay at peace.
There is no public disparagement of a spouse; private information stays private.
I have found this to be a good option when one spouse wants to do it on their own, but the other spouse would like some guidance.
Drawbacks:
Some people retain attorneys for document preparation, and they don’t understand that the attorney will not be giving them legal advice. Make sure you understand what services the attorney will be providing.
This is the option Jim chose. He and his wife worked out all the details on their own. Jim retained an attorney for advice to make sure he understood his options and nothing was overlooked. Then he asked his attorney to prepare the paperwork. Jim and his wife were pleased that they were able to remain amicable.
Mediation – You and your spouse sit at the same table with a neutral mediator to assist you both in resolving all the issues of your divorce.
Helps You to Divorce Like a Christian because:
Mediation dissipates conflict and tension, which:
- makes it possible to achieve resolution;
- shifts your focus to what makes sense for you, your spouse, and your children; and
- helps to improve parenting relationships.
Helps amicable couples stay amicable.
There is no public disparagement of a spouse; private information stays private.
The Book of Discipline of the Methodist Church recommends mediation. This is the only church I am aware of that actually recommends a legal option.
It’s been my experience that the most satisfied of my clients are those that utilize mediation to resolve their divorce.
Drawbacks:
It does not work if both spouses do not voluntarily disclose all their assets when asked to do so by the mediator.
It’s not effective if each spouse is not willing to speak up when asked to do so by
the mediator.
Amy and her husband mediated their divorce. They could not work anything out on their own, but the mediator was able to help them focus on the work they had to do to resolve their divorce. This accomplishment eased the tension which made parenting easier.
Negotiation – You retain an attorney to negotiate on your behalf with your spouse or your spouse’s attorney.
Helps You to Divorce Like a Christian because:
You can avoid the ugliness of litigation when you are too emotional to sit at the same table as your spouse.
There is no public disparagement of a spouse; private information stays private.
Some of my nicest clients appreciated negotiation because they did not want to battle with their spouse but they were uncomfortable sitting at the same table with them.
Drawbacks:
Some of the details of what the clients want are lost in the back and forth between the attorneys.
For some attorneys, it is more about what they think should be done rather than what would work for the client.
If Jim and his wife had been unsuccessful in working things out between themselves, they could have retained attorneys to negotiate on their behalf. Attorneys that are skilled at negotiating can help people achieve a dissolution, even when the spouses were unsuccessful on their own.
Litigation – You or your spouse file a complaint for divorce; the other spouse files an
answer. Then the court is in control of the case.
Helps You to Divorce Like a Christian because:
It allows you to divorce even if your spouse will not cooperate with any other option.
Restraining orders are put in place to protect the Un-Christian behavior of one spouse dissipating the finances.
Drawbacks:
It is the most expensive and most traumatic of all the processes.
Worsens parenting relationships.
People achieve what they want by putting the other side down.
There IS public disparagement of a spouse; private information becomes a public record, which can be viewed by others.
The Bible says not to litigate. Matthew 5:25: “Settle with your opponent quickly while on the way to court with him. Otherwise your opponent will hand you over to the judge, and the judge will hand you over to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison.” This quote is further address on the FAQ page.
It’s beneficial for most clients to avoid litigation and attempt one of the other processes.
Although Tammy had decided to retain an aggressive attorney, her husband had retained a good attorney so she was unable to make him pay in the way that she had wanted. However, she did have a very large legal bill which she had to pay. She also felt guilty for thinking her faith did not matter during a divorce. The people that are satisfied with litigation are usually those who need the protection of restraining orders or whose spouse would not cooperate with any other legal option.
So Then, Which is the Most Christian Approach?
The option that respects the needs of you and your spouse. I know this is vague, but if your spouse does not want to go with your first choice, see if there is an option you can both agree upon.
Usually, when people work together they achieve the best results, even if they need to bring in a mediator or attorney to work with them.
People don’t have to get along to work together. Mediators and attorneys are used to working with high conflict situations.
For more information see FAQ’s of Legal Options, or for a side-by-side comparison, click below to request our Chart of Legal Options
Things have a way of working out for those who are true to themselves and their faith. Never, ever, believe the powers of an attorney or the courts are mightier than the power of God!
When children are involved, at some point in time one of them are going to have their first Christmas dinner. Neither parent wants to say, “We don’t get along, so you go to the dinner, I’ll pass.” How the divorce is handled plants the seeds as to whether both parents can attend that first Christmas dinner, as well as all the other milestones in their children’s lives. So be careful in how you proceed.
“Refrain from anger; abandon wrath; do not be provoked; it brings only harm. Those who do evil will be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord will Inherit the earth.”
- Psalms 37:8-9